


This Is The Road To Ruin (And We're Starting At The End)

by BleedingInk



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Asexual Castiel (Supernatural), Asexual Character, Background Denny, Coffee Shops, Endgame Megstiel, F/M, Fluff, past Destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-17 03:40:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11267202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BleedingInk/pseuds/BleedingInk
Summary: Castiel is falling in love with a regular at his coffee shop, but his past experiencies fill him with doubts.





	This Is The Road To Ruin (And We're Starting At The End)

Castiel had come to expect her.

As it happened with most regulars, he had no idea when she had started coming around his coffee shop. But after a few weeks (maybe a couple of months, even) he got used to seeing her Monday to Friday at around nine in the morning, wearing a pant suit or a pencil skirt and a necktie on her shirt, looking very professional and sometimes talking loudly on her phone, barely looking up to place her order. She always had it to go. Some Saturdays, too, and some Sundays in which he came in around eleven or even at noon. Usually those days she donned jeans and she looked pale and had dark circles underneath her eyes, as if she had slept very little the night before. Sometimes she wore sunglasses and complained about the bright lights.

“Sorry we’re unable to accommodate your hangover,” Castiel told her one of those times, and he immediately regretted it. What had got into him, talking to the clients like that? If she had a complaint against him… well, she couldn’t get him fired since he owned the place. But she could write a mean review on the Internet and cost him some clientele.

But she hadn’t done anything of the sort. She had looked at him with a crooked eyebrow and a little smirk.

“You think you’re funny, huh?”

Castiel didn’t answer to that. He put the lid on her coffee cup and turned around. She stretched her hand and for a fraction of a second, their skins came into contact. It was so sudden and so strange that Castiel almost jolted. It lasted a second, a fraction of a second, and then she grabbed her coffee and gave it a sip. She was still smiling.

“Well, you’re right,” she said. “And handsome, too.”

She walked away before he could get his head around what had just happened. Charlie, who was behind the counter on cashier duty, looked at him with eyes and mouth wide open.

“Did she just flirt with you?” she asked.

“No, of course not,” Castiel said, trying to ignore the fact his face felt like it was on fire. “Go clean the cupboards, please.”

Charlie squinted her eyes at him, but obeyed. Castiel knew the topic was far from over.

He never knew how to react when people flirted with him. He felt flattered, of course, but he stuttered and fumbled and generally made a fool of himself. Charlie said it was just his social awkwardness acting up, and there might have been a little bit of that. But it was also that Castiel knew that he wasn’t relationship material. He was alright with that, he had accepted it long ago.

But it wasn’t like he could go explaining to every single person that expressed an interest in him that there was a good reason they might not want what they thought they wanted from him.

And besides (and this was very unprofessional and very stupid of him), he liked her.

Her name was Meg. He knew it because he always had to scribble it in her cup. She had dark wavy hair and sweet brown eyes. He liked the way her lips moved when she was talking on the phone and he liked her husky voice, the drawl when she pronounced the “s” and the way she arched her eyebrows when there was something that displeased her.

She was a very beautiful woman, in summary, and Castiel was glad to see her whenever she walked into his coffee shop.

The problem was that she seemed to like him back.

The following week she walked into the coffee shop with thirty minutes to spare. There was very few people at that hour, so she could take her time to look at the menu.

“Anything good?” she asked, pointing with her chin at the displayed samples.

“Well, I know for a fact the blueberry muffins are fresh and very savory.”

She stared at him for a second and then she let out a chuckle.

“Is that how you promote the goods to your clients? What does your boss think?”

Castiel couldn’t be sure, but he thought she gave him a glance over as she said “the goods”.

“He tolerates me.” He shrugged. “I mean, it would be bad if he didn’t since I am him.”

That could have come out a lot smoother. However, Meg seemed to find it funny.

“It’s good to know where I can find you, Cas.”

Castiel was so taken aback by that it took him a lot longer than he was comfortable admitting to realize she had simply read the name tag pinned to his apron. She ordered her usual coffee along with a muffin, but instead of rushing out to the door like she always did, she found a place near the counter where to drink. She took out the laptop from her briefcase and typed away in it while Castiel dealt with the morning rush that came immediately after. When he looked again at the table, she was gone.

“She’s definitely flirting with you,” Charlie commented later.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Castiel replied, annoyed. “She was just trying to make conversation.”

“Okay, if you’re sure, why don’t we test that?” Charlie challenged him. “Tomorrow I will make her order and we see if she’s really that friendly with everybody or if she likes those dreamy blue eyes of yours.”

At least with Charlie he could always be sure that she was only teasing him. Her utter lack of interest for the male gender was enough evidence of that.

“If that is the only way you’ll be convinced that she isn’t flirting, then fine,” Castiel agreed.

So the following day he assigned himself cleaning duties and left Charlie to deal with the clients. He was mopping the floors near the bathroom when Meg walked in. She stood in front of the counter and looked around. She was paralyzed for a second when she saw him, but Castiel quickly lowered his eyes and continued with what he was doing. When he looked up again, he saw the back of Meg hair as she left the coffee shop and walked away briskly.

Charlie gave him a full account of their interaction later.

“She was definitely disappointed not to see you. And she didn’t try to make friendly conversation with me,” she said, shaking a triumphant finger at Castiel. “So we can say for sure that she’s interested in you.”

“Doesn’t change anything,” Castiel groaned.

Charlie, for once in her life, went completely quiet for a moment.

“Hey, Cas, if I’m pressuring you too much about this, you need to tell me,” she said, in a rare display of sensitivity towards his wishes. “You know I’m just worried about you.”

“Why would you be?”

“Uh… Dean is getting married in six months?” she reminded him.

Castiel didn’t say anything to that. Not because Dean’s marriage was something that concerned him or tormented him as Charlie seemed to think it did. He just didn’t think that his current state of singlehood had anything to do with his ex-boyfriend’s future marriage.

“That was two years ago.”

“I know. And you haven’t dated a single person since,” Charlie pointed out. “At first I thought well, he’s taking it easy, they were together for a while. But then Dean and Benny got engaged…”

“It has nothing to do with that,” Castiel insisted.

Charlie pursed her lips. It was very clear that she didn’t believe him.

“Why did you guys even break up? You were so good together.”

Castiel continued throwing things in the garbage bag, refusing to acknowledge Charlie’s last statement. Yes, the years he had spent with Dean were good. That didn’t change the fact their relationship had ended in heartbreak and tears. Castiel didn’t blame Dean for it, but he wasn’t sure he wanted a repeat of the experience.

“Or maybe you’re strictly into guys now?” Charlie continued. “’Cause if you are, I know some really nice ones that I can introduce to you…”

“I’m not interested in dating, Charlie. At all.”

It came out harsher than he intended it. Charlie looked at him with wide eyes for a moment and then raised both his hands in defeat.

“Okay. Sorry. I’ll get off your case.”

“I’d appreciate that.”

They took the garbage out and Castiel reminded Charlie to text him. He knew he didn’t have to (Charlie’s live-in girlfriend, Dorothy, would let him know if anything happened), but he still felt better to know that his employee and best friend had got home okay.

That day, however, Charlie made sure to send him a link to a dating site. Castiel didn’t know if she was trying to be passive-aggressive or if she really thought that online dating was the way to go because, as she put it, “it’s not really dating unless you want it to be”.

Castiel repeated that he wasn’t concern with having a relationship or not.

And he totally understood why that might have make him look like a bit of a hypocrite the next time Meg walked into the coffee shop.

“Hey, there, handsome,” she greeted him with her usual smile.

It was Saturday, there were no people around and Charlie was late. So Castiel didn’t exactly feel guilty when he smiled back at her and replied:

“Hello.”

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Meg accused him point blank.

“No,” Castiel said, astonished by her directness. “Of course not. I mean, I can’t always tend to the counter…”

Meg raised a finger to shush his clumsy stuttering.

“Look, I get it. People tell me all the time I come on too strong,” she told him. “And it’s probably not nice of me to be bothering you at your work place…”

“You’re not bothering me,” Castiel blurted out. “At all. That’s not…”

Meg crooked an eyebrow.

“So what’s the problem? I thought we had some good feeling going on.”

Castiel began stuttering again and this time Meg cocked her head as she smiled.

“Are you shy?” she asked him. Castiel went quiet, because yes, he was painfully shy, but that wasn’t exactly the problem. “Oh, okay, I get it. You lost your phone number, so you can’t give it to people.”

“How would I lose my own phone number?”

He was genuinely confused, but Meg must have thought he was joking, because she laughed once more.

“Here’s what we’re going to do,” she said, putting her hands on the counter with confidence, as if she’d just reached a decision. “I’m going to order my usual and I’m going to sit on that table over there. When I’m done, you can come pick up my trash and you might just find a little piece of paper with my number on it. If you decide to keep it, then…”

She shrugged as if to indicate what Castiel did with it was entirely up to him.

“And if I decided to do nothing with it?” he asked, squinting his eyes.

“Then I get off your hair. No hard feelings,” she said. “A girl can take a hint.”

She then placed her order and stalked towards her table just as she promised she would. And right on time, too, because Charlie arrived a minute later and then the usual Saturday morning rush began.

Unluckily for Castiel, the coffee shop wasn’t busy enough to take his mind off of Meg. Every once in a while, he found himself glancing in her direction. She had brought a book and she seemed to be enthralled in it, turning the pages quickly as she sipped from her coffee exasperatingly slow. Or maybe it was that way because Castiel was suddenly very eager to get his hands on her number.

It was odd.

He had promised himself he wasn’t going to get excited about it. But when Meg finally closed her book and walked out without taking a second glance at him and when Charlie reached for the container to clean the table, he almost jumped at her.

“No! I mean… let me do that for you,” he said, taking it form her hands. “You can work on the queue.”

“O… kay. Weirdo,” Charlie said, frowning at him, but she didn’t protest or ask why he was particularly interested in cleaning that exact table.

Castiel tried with all his might to go about it like it was nothing especial. He picked up the used plastic cup, he picked up the plate where she had ate her muffin and the creased paper napkins (he made sure none of them had anything scribbled on them), before he found it.

It was a simple square on paper folded in half, with her name and the promised number. Her handwriting was small and tight and for some reason she had used red ink. Castiel folded it again, slid it inside his apron’s pocket and continued as if nothing had happened.

Even though the little piece of paper almost burned him.

It continued burning until he got home, took it out and stared at the numbers for a long time. He punched them in his phone to save it. His thumb hovered over the green call button, but at the last second, he put the phone down and paced his apartment for a while.

What was he doing? He had promised himself he wasn’t going to go through this again. He didn’t need to go through it again. He already know how it was going to end and why would he subject himself to that misery again?

He could just… not do anything, of course. He could erase the number, throw away the paper and carry on as if nothing had happened. That was a possibility and Meg had hinted that she wouldn’t get mad at him if that was what he chose to do. He would get over his crush on Meg, eventually. She would move on.

And he would always wonder what it could have been in the back of his mind.

So it was a choice between sure heartbreak and complete uncertainty.

He sat on the table and sank his face in his arms for a very long time.

But maybe he was looking at this the wrong way. Maybe he didn’t have to date Meg at all. There was nothing wrong with making new friends.

He started out a message, but then he erased it. He didn’t want to come on too strong or for her to have the wrong impression. He started another, but he also erased that, since it was far too meek and he did wanted her to know he had an interest in her.

Finally, he realized it was getting late and he was drowning in a glass of water, so he went with something simple:

_> Hello, Meg._

He waited a minute. But she wouldn’t have any reason to answer to some random unknown number, right?

_> This is Castiel. From the coffee shop._

The reply came a few seconds later:

_> Hi. Yes, I figured. You’re the only Castiel I know._

_> Probably the only Castiel in the world._

Castiel chuckled and the pit in his stomach became a little more bearable. As an ice breaker, that hadn’t been so bad.

 

* * *

 

He couldn’t be sure how it happened. He certainly had not tried to make it happen. But after some days texting Meg and talking to her when she came around the coffee shop, they agreed to meet for dinner. Not a date. Castiel made sure to point that out. She had just mentioned she liked pizza and he happened to know a small little family restaurant where they made some really good pizzas. He thought she might like it. It wasn’t a date.

“You’re picking her up, you’re having dinner with her. It’s a date,” Charlie insisted.

Castiel tried to dismiss her, but it didn’t work out. Her voice was still ringing in the back of his head as he ate slice after slice of pizza with Meg and laughed at the story about the divorced couple she had to mediate because neither wanted to five up their dog

“So we ended up having to negotiate visitation rights,” she told him and he laughed harder than he remembered laughing lately.

She was a lawyer at her father’s firm. She wasn’t particularly happy with her job, but it paid the bills and she was always happy to do something else, like go out dancing with her friends or travelling somewhere new. Castiel wasn’t the kind of person that enjoyed the scene of loud music and excessive alcohol, but he could definitely get on board of travelling to new places.

Not that he was thinking about going anywhere with Meg. They were friends.

“And that’s why you’re taking her on a second date,” Charlie said, rolling her eyes with skepticism.

“We’re going to the movies. We’re not going to even talk for two hours. That’s hardly a date!”

Except that when the movie was over, Meg insisted they should grab a bite, so they ended up sitting in the mall’s food court, eating burgers and talking about how terrible the movie had been. Her imitation of the lead actor’s accent was so hilarious Castiel ended up almost choking on his drink.

It went great, up until the point he walked her to her apartment (because he wanted to make sure he got there okay) and they said their goodnights on the building’s door.

“Well, here we are,” Meg said, toying with her keys.

“Yes,” Castiel said, a little lost at why she hesitated to go in. The night was chilly and he was sure she was tired.

Before he could point out any of those things, Meg took a step closer to him, raising her head so he couldn’t escape her gaze.

“Do you want to go upstairs?”

Castiel felt his stomach dropping.

“I, uh… I would… I have… work early,” he said pathetically.

“I am the proud owner of an alarm clock, Castiel,” Meg replied, with a chuckle.

Castiel closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to collect his scattered thoughts.

“Not tonight,” he said. “Sorry.”

He opened his eyes again, because he couldn’t be so cowardly as to not face her while he was rejecting her. Meg was trying to hide her disappointment, but her voice sounded tense when she said:

“Okay. Goodnight, then.”

Castiel kicked himself mentally all the way back to his home.

He should have known that would happen. Charlie had warned him. He had just been that naïve to think it would be different and now Meg probably was mad at him. And that explained her absence at the coffee shop and her radio silence the two following days.

“Seriously? You blew it up already?”

“Charlie, I really don’t wish to talk about it right now.”

Charlie pursed her lips, but she obviously wasn’t about to drop the topic so easily.

“And here I was thinking I could take Dorothy as my plus one to the wedding!” she complained. “But if you’re going to be all alone and pathetic, I’m gonna have to go with you.”

“You don’t have to… what are you talking about? I’m not invited to Dean’s wedding.” Castiel frowned.

“Yeah, you are. Benny told me they were inviting you,” Charlie replied. “Or maybe they changed their minds because it’s kind of weird to have the ex-boyfriend of one of the grooms there.”

“You think?” Castiel asked, crooking an eyebrow.

Charlie opened her mouth to answer him, but the bell above the door announced they had a client. Castiel started reciting the welcoming message, but the words froze in his throat. Meg was standing in front of the counter.

“Hello, Cas.”

“So… I’m gonna go clean something in the back,” Charlie muttered. “You just… yell at me if you need anything.”

And she sneaked away before Castiel could find an excuse to keep her around.

He and Meg stood there for a couple of minutes, without talking to each other.

“I, uh… I sent you a text,” Castiel muttered, pathetically.

“Yeah, I read it,” Meg said. “I just… figured we needed to talk face to face.”

Castiel couldn’t blame her for thinking like that. He called for Charlie, hanged his apron and made Meg a gesture so they moved somewhere quieter in the shop.

“I…” Castiel started, but Meg interrupted him:

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked, point blank. “Because if it’s about that stupid three date rule, I’ll have you know I really don’t care about those things.”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” Meg demanded to know. “I’m having a really hard time trying to read you, Castiel. Because I think we have a really good time together…”

“We do. I really like spending time with you.”

“But you didn’t want to come home with me. You didn’t try to kiss me. Hell, you didn’t even try to hold my hand,” Meg pointed out. “So… what gives?”

Castiel closed his eyes for a moment. He was expecting this, but he didn’t think it would be that hard when it actually happened.

But Meg was right. He owed her an explanation.

“Would you like to come to my house and have dinner with me?” he asked. “I promise I’ll explain. It’s nothing you did. It’s just… there’s some things you need to know about me.”

“That sounds serious,” Meg said, gritting her teeth. For a second, Castiel thought she was going to tell him thank you, but no thank you, she’d rather back down now. But she crossed her arms and threw him a glance. “Okay. This better be good.”

 

* * *

 

Castiel might have committed a sin of hubris by asking Meg to have dinner with him at his house, but he just didn’t feel comfortable discussing what he needed to discuss with her somewhere public. His culinary abilities were more on the baking side of the spectrum, but he still managed to put together a decent dinner consisting of spaghetti and meatballs.

Meg arrived a few minutes late to their agree time. She had put on a black dress and added red lipstick on her lips. She still looked cautious when he asked her to come in, as if she wasn’t sure what would come out of all this. Castiel moved the chair for her and offered her some wine while he served the plates and brought them to the table.

“I hope they are good. I don’t usually cook, I’m more of a takeout kind of person.”

Meg gave him a non-compromising smile and took a sip of her wine. They ate in uncomfortable silence for a couple of minutes. Castiel didn’t know how to address the elephant in the room and Meg was obviously waiting for him to take the first step.

He sank the fork in one of the meatballs and tried to find the words in his head.

“So, I said owed you an explanation and it’s… kind of personal, but… I really think you should know.” He made a pause, toying with the food on his plate. He figured the best was doing it fast and simple, like taking off a band aid. “I am asexual.”

“A-what now?”

“I… I just don’t have sex.”

Meg blinked at him over her glass of wine, as if she couldn’t understand the words coming out of his mouth.

“Come again?”

“I don’t have sex. I don’t enjoy it, I don’t feel the need to have it,” he confessed. “I like people. I like men and women. I’ve been in love before. But I don’t like having sex.”

He lowered his eyes, because he couldn’t face the confusion and incredulity in her face.

There were several reactions she could have.

Daphne, his first girlfriend, had told him that was okay with her because she was also saving herself for marriage. They’d broken up when Castiel had told her he didn’t he could have sex even then and she wanted children.

Balthazar, his first boyfriend, had laughed in his face and then acted horrified when Castiel assured him he wasn’t joking. Their relationship didn’t last very long.

April, another of his girlfriends, had flat out asked him if it was some sort of medical or psychological condition, some sort of repressed trauma he was holding back. Their relationship was even shorter.

And then there had been Dean. His incredulity was the closest to what Meg was displaying right now.

She took a long gulp of her wine before she looked at him again.

“So…you’ve never had sex?” she asked.

“I’ve had,” Castiel confirmed. He supposed he couldn’t explain it without touching the sensitive subject that was Dean. “My last relationship lasted three years, but it was… complicated. Dean seemed to be fine with my asexuality, at first. But then he started insisting that maybe if I tried it with him, I would feel different about it, so I did and… it wasn’t something I was eager to repeat. I lacked the desire or the enthusiasm for it, but Dean wanted the intimacy. I put on a brave face and agreed whenever he wanted us to… but of course, he realized I was just faking it.” He sighed sadly, remembering how bad things had turned out from there. “It put a strain on our relationship and… Dean ended up looking for what he needed elsewhere.”

“He cheated on you?”

Castiel smiled sadly. He didn’t know if that was the right definition for it. Their relationship was on the process of ending. They barely touched each other anymore and Castiel knew it wasn’t because Dean didn’t want to do it, but that was the least of it. They barely talked without screaming at each other. Castiel spent almost all of his time in the coffee shop and Dean spent most nights at his brother’s, because he said it was closer to his job and he wanted to avoid the commute. It was an awkward and messy period and Castiel was convinced they would’ve broken up eventually even if Dean had never met Benny.

That knowledge hadn’t made it any less painful.

“It wasn’t anybody’s fault,” he said. “I was mad at him for a very long time. And then I spent even longer mad at myself because I couldn’t be what he needed. But in the end, it was… just that we weren’t compatible. We loved each other very much, but we just expected different things from a relationship.”

Meg moved around the spaghetti in her dish, pensive, as if she was digesting everything Castiel had just said.

“Okay,” she said in the end. “So… how does it work?”

“How does… what work?” he asked, frowning.

“The whole having a relationship without sex,” Meg explained. “I’ve never had anything like that. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anything like that, except from the kids at the purity club.”

Castiel figured he should be thankful that she wasn’t either fleeing or telling him she didn’t believe that was a thing. But the good news started and ended there.

“In my experience, it doesn’t work,” he admitted. “The people I’ve dated, all of them assured me that they were okay in the beginning. But in the long run…” He stopped to try to find a kind way of putting it. “You might want something that I cannot give you. Or like Dean, you might insist I will feel different about you and then be disappointed when that is not the case. You may think my feelings for you aren’t as deep because I don’t show them the way you expect me to and you may end up blaming yourself. But it’s just the way I am.”

There. He’d said it. He had warned her how it could go, how it had gone with him in the past. It was up to her if she decided she didn’t wish to pursue this.

Meg took a very long time before she asked her next question.

“If you really think there’s no way it can work, why did you ask me out then?”

Castiel looked at her again.

“It does get lonely,” he admitted.

There wasn’t much to talk about after that. The finished their spaghetti but neither of them felt like eating seconds. Or desert.

“I mean, I would tell you I need to think about it, but that would be just plain untrue,” she told him as he walked her to the door. “You’re right. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I can be with a man who doesn’t… want me. I mean… you know what I mean, right?”

Castiel smiled sadly once more. He did know. He wanted to tell her he did want her. He wanted to hear the thoughts in her mind and her jokes and her stories about ridiculous clients. He wanted to discuss movies and travels with her and every little thing that made her happy. He wanted to see her walk into his coffee shop every morning and talk to him and laugh with him.

But he understood if that wasn’t enough for her.

Meg hesitated at the door.

“But, you know… we can still be friends.”

“I would like that,” Castiel accepted.

They stared at each other awkwardly for a second. Castiel figured they needed some sort of physical contact now, like a handshake or a hug. He started raising her arms almost at the same time Meg extended her hand. They both looked at each other, baffled, and the chuckled. Castiel shook her hand, taking in the warmth of her skin.

“Goodnight, Castiel.”

“Goodnight.”

After she left, he leaned on the door for what felt the longest of times. His heart was pounding hard on his chest and he had a lump in his throat, but he didn’t allow himself to cry. After all, it wasn’t as if he had lost something.

So he pushed it in and started picking up the dishes.

 

* * *

 

It turned out Meg wasn’t just saying it when she offered to be friends. She still came by the coffee shop almost every day and if there wasn’t a lot of people, she hanged around by the counter to talk to him. Charlie invited Meg to Dorothy’s birthday and Castiel was ever so glad she did, because he was the only man there but Meg drank beers with him by the wall so he wouldn’t feel lonely. He sent her pictures of funny cats on their phone and she texted him when she got home from going out with her friends. They went to the movies again a couple of time. Meg enjoyed watching trashy romantic comedies because, in her words, they were so bad they were good.

Castiel was happy. It wasn’t everything he had wished from a relationship with Meg, but at least they weren’t strangers anymore. If he didn’t think about his not so friendly feelings, then everything was okay.

Except for when Meg had dates, of course.

She rarely brought it up. When they were together, they usually didn’t talk about personal matters like that. But sometimes he asked her to go out and she’d said she already had plans.

“Are you going out with Ruby again?”

Meg looked up at him and opened her mouth. That second of doubt was enough for him to know she was considering lying to him.

“No,” she admitted in the end. Castiel appreciated her for it.

His name was Luc. He was a friend of her brother. Another lawyer, apparently, and the way Meg made it seem, charming as hell.

“He just has a way with words, you know,” she told him, with a dreamy smile and her eyes far away from him. “He walks like he owns every inch of space.”

“Sounds a bit narcissistic.”

“You call it narcissism, I call it self-confidence,” Meg laughed. Castiel didn’t join in. “Wait, are you mad?”

“No, why would I be?” Castiel asked and moved away to restock the cups.

Meg was still standing by the counter and clutching her coffee when he returned.

“Need I remind you it wasn’t me who said it wouldn’t work between us?”

“You agreed, though,” Castiel said. He didn’t know why suddenly he felt so irritated. He should be happy for Meg. That was what friends did. They were happy when one of them was happy.

“Exactly. So you have no reason whatsoever to be jealous.”

“I’m not jealous.”

That might have been a bit of a falsehood and Meg noticed it immediately. She finished drinking her coffee and throw the cup in the garbage can as if it had personally insulted her.

“Let me know when you finally remove your head out of your ass, will you?” she quipped, before she stomped out of the coffee shop.

Castiel watched her leave with the uneasy feeling that he had screwed up royally.

As usual, Charlie wasn’t of much help.

“I mean, she’s practically your girlfriend in everything but the name. It’s not her fault that you haven’t got around talking about exclusivity rights and labels.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

Charlie raised a hand, as if she was about to number all the ways in which Castiel was wrong.

“She comes here every day and not for our blueberry muffins. She hangs with you all the time. When she’s not here, you’re always texting. You go out on dates…”

“They’re not dates,” Castiel protested, but Charlie didn’t pay attention to him.

“Not to mention you’re hopelessly in love with her,” she concluded.

Castiel should have denied it. But he had already blatantly lied to the face of one of his friends that day.

“How did you know?” he asked, through gritted teeth.

“You light up when you see her,” Charlie said. “You got this glimmer in your eye. I hadn’t seen you like that since you before you broke up with Dean.”

He hadn’t felt like that for anyone before he broke up with Dean.

“So why is your girl going out with someone else tonight?” Charlie asked in an accusatory tone, as if that was his fault.

Maybe it was.

“It’s a little more complicated than that, Charlie.”

Charlie put her tongue between her lips and let out a farting sound.

“You being too afraid to actually risk falling for someone else isn’t complicated,” she told him, poking him in the chest. “It’s cowardly.”

As usual, she was right.

 

* * *

 

Castiel was thinking about Meg that night. And not just because he had unconsciously ordered her favorite pizza.

Perhaps he had been too quick to shut down the possibility of them working out. He thought he was being honest, but perhaps he was only shielding himself from further disappointment. He was pushing her away using his past experiences as an excuse before she got too close.

But his past experiences were what had defined where he was now. And it hadn’t even worked, because he was still in love with her and still stewing in his own jealousy at the fact she was out there. With wonderful, self-confident Luc.

And what could he do? Was there something he could do short of wishing things wouldn’t work with Luc so he might have another chance? What kind of friend was Castiel then, though? And even if she broke it off with Luc (which could be years from now, or never), there was no guarantee that she would like to try dating him again.

As she had said, he’d had his head safely tucked inside of his ass all of that time.

In the end, he sighed, turned off the TV and stood up to wash the dishes. He was doing just that when the buzzer rang.

He looked at it, confused. He wasn’t expecting anybody, and unless the pizza man had screwed up his change or something like that, he couldn’t imagine who it could be.

The mystery was solved a second later when his phone chimed:

_> Open up, Cas._

Castiel didn’t have to think about it. He didn’t know why she was there, but he didn’t care. If she needed him to open for her, of course he was going to do it.

Meg stumbled into his apartment in a very pretty purple cocktail dress and the first thing she did was sit down on the couch and take her shoes off.

“You would not believe what he did. What an asshole. And here I was thinking… why did you _let me_ date that?”

“Let you?” Castiel repeated. “Meg Masters, I don’t think you’ve asked permission for anything since you were five years old.”

Meg stopped what she was doing to look at him and burst into laughter.

“You’re right, though. You’re definitely right.”

“Are you drunk?” Castiel asked, though that might have been unnecessary. Meg’s eyes were shiny, her cheeks were red and her speech was slurry.

“A little bit,” she admitted, shaking her head. “That asshole kept ordering me some strong shit. Then I turned my head for two seconds and I swear I saw him put something in my glass.”

“Meg!” Castiel exclaimed, scandalized.

“I know, right? I was already planning on sleeping with him, what was the need? So I fucking call Luc out on it and he denies at first, but then he tells me he’s just trying to help me ‘loosen up’,” she continued telling him, rolling her eyes. “Holy crap, my brother and I are going to have some serious talk about his friends this Thanksgiving. Anyway, I was falling asleep in the cab and your house was closer than mine. Do you mind if I crash here?”

And before Castiel could answer her, she moved to lay down on the couch.

So that was not the development he was expecting.

“You can’t crash here.”

“Oh, come on, you’re not still mad, are you?”

“No, I meant, you can’t crash on the couch,” Castiel explained. “It’s uncomfortable. Let me take you to the bed.”

“I feel especial. Bet I’m the first girl who hears those words from you, huh?”

Castiel ignored the jab and helped her to her feet. He put an arm around her waist and helped her walk towards the bedroom. Meg didn’t try to make another joke, but she did sag in his arms and lean her entire weight on him. Once they were inside, she simply turned her back on him, reached for her zipper and stepped out of her dress.

“You don’t mind this, do you?” she asked, standing in her underwear on the carpet.

“No,” Castiel replied. He turned to find one of his shirts for her and gave it to her. Meg passed it over her head and stood, shooting him a sleepy look. It was long enough on her to cover her thighs and leave one of her shoulders uncovered. “I think you need to lay down, Meg.”

“Right,” she giggled, shaking her head. But she obeyed.

Castiel pulled the covers over head to tuck her in. Meg already had her eyes closed, so he figured she must have been sleeping already. He turned around to find some covers for himself (he needed a new couch), but a hand clang unto his and pulled him closer.

“Sleep with me?” Meg whispered, holding his hand closer to her face. “I don’t mean… anything, you know? Just sleep. We can just sleep.”

Castiel hesitated. He didn’t want her to feel like he had got all up in her personal space. But at the same time, he liked being closer to her. And the couch really was a bitch to sleep in.

“Okay. Scoot.”

Meg rolled over herself. She didn’t leave much space for him, but he managed to squeeze by her side anyway. He hadn’t finished settling down when she rolled over and placed a hand across his chest at the same time she snuggled his neck.

“This is nice,” she purred. “Really nice. Why don’t we do this all the time?”

“You’re not drunk and brokenhearted all the time,” Castiel pointed.

“Oh, I’m not brokenhearted over Luc. I might have exaggerated how much I liked him,” Meg confessed. “Wanted to show you a bit of what you were missing out on.”

Castiel tried very hard to remind himself Meg was drunk and probably spouting nonsense. He still moved his arms to surround Meg’s shoulders with it and pull her even closer.

“Well, it worked. You were right. I was jealous.”

“Mmh… called it,” she muttered. He didn’t need to look at her face to know she was smiling.

“This could really complicate things,” Castiel sighed.

“Yes. But how about we think about them tomorrow?”

She had a point. This sounded like a conversation that they needed to have with a clear mind. And besides, her breathing was calm and deep now. She really was asleep now.

Castiel brushed a lock of hair from her forehead and closed his eyes as well.

 

* * *

 

He woke up late the following day. Meg was still sleeping with her face on top of him and he didn’t want to wake her up. So he reached for his phone and texted Charlie that he was going to be late and that she should hold the fort for him.

He untangled himself from Meg’s arms and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. He needed to keep his hands busy. His mind was racing and his heart was pounding heart.

He had to disregard everything Meg had said. She was drunk. She was angry. She wasn’t in her right mind, in summary. So it didn’t matter how much he wanted to believe that she had said those things because she meant them, he needed to remember…

“Hey.”

Castiel turned around, with a piece of bacon in his hand hanging right above the frying pan.

Meg looked really beautiful with her hair in disarray and wearing his shirt. She blinked sleepily and moved to sit on the chair. Castiel could wake up to that sight every morning.

He composed himself and let the strip of bacon fall on the pan. It sizzled and the kitchen filled up with its smell.

“Good morning,” he greeted her casually. As casually as he could anyway. “I thought I would get a head start on breakfast.”

“Uh, nice. It’s like being in my favorite coffee shop in my pajamas.” Meg giggled and then looked down at herself. “Well, in the owner’s pajamas. Which is even more scandalous. What will people say?”

Castiel tried to laugh it off, but it came out a little forced, so he stopped. He poured the coffee in a couple of mugs and placed one in front of Meg. He knew how she liked her coffee, having been preparing it for her for months now. She drank it black, with only two spoons of sugar. She wrapped her fingers around the mug and smirked at him.

“The bacon will be ready shortly. Would you like some eggs?”

“What? No blueberry muffin?”

“I… don’t have the ingredients to make some,” Castiel said, suddenly a little self-conscious. “But I could make a run for the bakery…”

“I’m just teasing you, Cas,” Meg replied. “I like my eggs scrambled.”

“Scrambled eggs,” Castiel repeated, relieved, because that he could make. “Coming right up.”

He continued cooking while Meg sipped from her coffee in silence. He preferred it like that. She probably had a headache and a lot of things to think about, and he, well…

He was still trying to forget her breathing grazing over his skin when she’d cuddled up to him the night before.

“Let me know if they need anything,” he said, turning around to place the eggs in front of her. “I have salt and ketchup…”

“You’re just not going to say it, are you?” she asked suddenly, squinting her eyes at him.

She caught Castiel off guard.

“I… I’m not sure what you mean…”

“You’re not going to say anything about me, showing up here after a bad date and sleeping in your bed?”

Castiel fumbled with his fingers, trying not to meet her gaze.

“I’m… not sure what you’d expect me to say about that. You’re my friend, of course I was going to…”

“Cut the crap, Cas!” Meg replied. She sounded annoyed now. “This isn’t… this isn’t a friendship, okay? Because friends don’t feel this way for each other. But it’s not a relationship either. I’m not entirely sure what the fuck it actually is, but I would really like to know.”

Castiel slowly raised his eyes at her. She was looking at him with a frown, her fingers tapping on the table as if she was demanding he tell her what they were supposed to do now. And Castiel got angry. He got angry because he felt cornered and because he just… he just didn’t know.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Meg,” he groaned. “That I’m sorry that I’m not good enough for a relationship? I’m sorry I have all these issues and I can’t make you feel wanted? That I’m in love with you despite knowing that?”

He stopped, having just realize the weight of the words coming out of his mouth. Meg only stared at him, wide-eyed and disconcerted for a moment before she recovered.

“Yes,” she muttered. “That is exactly what I wanted to hear.”

She stood up and walk around the table to stand in front of him. She put her hands on his cheeks and slowly, she made him turn his head towards her so he couldn’t avoid her.

“I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, these last few… well, since you told me you didn’t like having sex,” she said. “I haven’t been the best at choosing guys. Ever. I cannot think of a single one that was anywhere close to you. The way you treat me, the way I feel when I’m with you… you’re the best man I have ever known. And I’m thinking sex is not really that important after all if it means choosing between it and you.”

Castiel’s breath got caught in his throat. He wanted to believe this was real. He wanted to believe she was saying those things and meaning them, but…

“You don’t know that,” he muttered. “You don’t know if three months from now, a year from now, you’ll still want this. You don’t know if what you’re putting aside…”

“Cas,” she interrupted him. “I know what I’m asking, okay? I know you’ve been hurt in the past. I know that you’re afraid the same thing will happen. And if I promised you it won’t, well… I’m not sure you would believe me. I’m not sure I would believe it,” she added, with a chuckle. “But I am willing to try for you. So the real question is… are you willing to try for me? Do you believe I’m worth the risk?”

And that was the question Castiel had been asking himself since he first noticed Meg. Or since she first noticed him. It was impossible to tell now how it’d happened.

But there they were now. And he’d had more than enough time to meditate on the answer.

He raised his hand to grab the ones Meg still had on his cheeks and intertwined his fingers with hers.

“Yes,” he whispered. “I do think you’re worth it.”

Meg’s smile could light up the darkest night.

“Can I kiss you?”

Castiel swallowed to undo the lump on his throat and nodded. Meg stood on the tip of her toes to press her lips to the corner of his mouth. A gesture that was a kiss as much as it was a promise.


End file.
